Game of Groans

The last episode of Game of Thrones was spectacular, in a way… It was truly an episode that took full advantage of the fact that NONE-OF-THAT sort of violence took place in at least a few episodes preceding it. They lulled us to sleep, and then, GOTCHA BITCH!

Rob, his pregnant wife, unborn baby Ned incarnate ll, Mama Stark (Princess Fiona, if it were Shrek 7), and Rob’s entire army of Small Soldiers fell to an incredibly gratuitous stabbing medley executed by the Quasi-Commando Elite… but not before Lord Ugly Daughters talked a wealth of shit about Rob’s girl as she dawned a cloak that said “I’m not pregnant, obviously, because I’m covering an obvious pregnancy.”

Did I mention that Ned Stark is SO dead, that an unborn baby Ned Stark was killed before he could even enter the Kingdom!?! I wouldn’t be surprised if Ned got killed one more good time at the pearly gates. He is not to exist in this realm in any way, shape, or form apparently. NED AND NED DEAD.

–Back to the macabre massacre–

Let me say, nooobody attempted to block or parry a single blade, they received every one of them to the gut or gullet. A lot of story died with that episode. Why? Well, because a new majority of characters strong enough to carry the series are children, but those children aren’t realistically strong enough to survive Westeros in its current state. Its like a bizarro Peter Pan. The jury’s out on Bran Stark though, he stumbled onto some Jean-Grey mind-control wizardry when he shut that human pokémon Hodor the fuck up…

The story centered around one family, the Stark family, & now the story is decentralized because the entire Stark family is DEAD… with the exception of the muppet babies… and Jon Snow… who is too busy performing at the Winter X Games with Ygritte, Sheamus of the WWE, and Captain Jack Sparrow the Bird Whisperer. With Rob gone, so is the plot payoff of his ascension to power and exacting his revenge on Theon Greyjoy… et al. And before I forget, yes… I assume Theon was completely killed by Evil John Mayer? If not, he should be, because we no longer sympathize with his character & Rob’s death was his. They took a beautiful gamble, you know, eradicating everyone that you care about to leave everyone that you don’t particularly care about… I’m excited to see how it turns out in 7 years when 59lb Aria Stark and Bran “Professor Charles Xavier” Stark are strong and experienced enough to become a formidable force in Westeros. No, I haven’t read the books you weirdos. Let this story be its own story, BASED on a set of other stories written by the guy who wrote this story. Its an adaptation, not a transcription, so the people that like when books to be transcribed from book to screen verbatim may as well watch their books. Let the creators create.

Hopefully they didn’t cut the legs out from under this wonderful series, I’m looking forward to the continued surprises. Refreshing television. I’m @TravantiQuinn.