IMMORTAL KOMBAT

Article first published as Immortal Kombat on Technorati. (I write for them).

In the month of November, the legend of a legend, reminiscent of other legends, was born.

Immortals

Immortals, starred the protagonist, Theseus (Henry Cavill). A run-of-the-mill hero.

He had chiseled facial features, he displayed physical dominance over every living thing, experienced one moment of self-doubt before the final battle, possessed more intuition than the oracle whose intuition he was to depend on, screwed an un-screwable woman while poisoned & subsequently bragged about it, and he began his journey under the tutelage of an old sage named Old Man… who would enlighten the youngster as he practiced attacking things… as budding Gods do.

Immortals

If you hadn’t noticed, Immortals was produced by the same producers of the movie 300. So, yes, the movie was visually stunning. Like 300, Immortals was filmed primarily in Sepia. Nobody knows why, but the 300 production team clearly has an affinity for both warfare and old-fashioned photographs.

I almost forgot to mention their obsession with masks.

Hypothetical pitch meeting:

Producer: “We’re doing another war film, it’ll be shot in Sepia again. It’ll be a historical hodgepodge, but what should the focus be?”

Head Writer: “I’m not entirely sure, but it would probably involve evil masks. The Medieval Jabawockee look worked well in 300”

Producer: “but we’ve already done that…”

Head Writer: “And people loved it.”

Producer: “………….. I like it”

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Embarrassing resemblance.

Mickey Rourke (King Hyperion) plays a convincing menace, but dressing him as a Venus Flytrap diminished the villainy.

He looked like a Pokemon, which would have been genius if it were intentional.

For this overly masculine-a-movie, you would not expect for there to be so many wardrobe changes. Madonna during concert? Yes. Mickey Rourke? No. Immortals definitely had some Metrosexual Man-vogue going on, but that made it interesting.

See? King Hyperion is part Venus Flytrap, part Pokemon, and part Jabawockee. A hodgepodge of hilarity. Immortals was as unintentionally funny as it was ultra-violent and action-packed.

For instance:

  • The Athenian Army of 57 men faced off against King Hyperion’s army of what appeared to be 2,000,000. No big deal. Clever camera angles & film editing killed maybe 1,999,877 of them itself, leveling the playing field.
  • The Braveheart moment fell flat on its face. With the sudden & synchronized clanking of their armor, it turned into an Under Armor commercial. They must protect this house.
  • Hyperion signals for his men to charge, the Athenian Army lost all desire to fight, Theseus spoke to them, they ignored 89% of his speech, & they instantly regained the courage to fight an army that initially outnumbered them 40,000 to 1. And the rest is history….fabricated, history.

Here’s an example of how pivotal the Theseus Fog of War speech was:

Soldier: “Who are you to tell us what to do!!?”

Theseus: “I am no one to tell you what to do, I am Theseus”

Now that, is leadership.

  • In nearly every meeting hosted by King Hyperion, he arbitrarily killed one of his henchman for being the bearer of good news, bad news, or just news. He doesn’t like news.
  • Too many cuts to the Barbeque Bull. Ok, we get it, being inside of that thing sucks.
  • The Eagle in the movie wasn’t a symbol, it wasn’t paying homage to Falconry, the screeching Eagle shot was just there.. the entire film. Subliminal American Eagle product placement?
  • The preferred attack of choice was to the throat or to the inner-thigh. It was odd. Observe how many people fell prey to a well-executed throat or inner-thigh attack… In Immortals, a well-placed lower-inner-thigh attack was like a Halo head-shot. “Lost, the lead. Gained, the lead”
  • There was an extravagant display of God-on-God violence, when Zeus slayed the disobedient Ares with an Inferno Whip. This made Theseus a believer. Sorry, zealots. He saw actual Gods, & they yelled at him. I’d be convinced too.
  • Athena played Mystique, from X-Men, in her first scene with Zeus. Be yourself, Athena.
  • To appease a mortal movie audience, they employed Spartacus: Blood and Sand-esque slow-motion fight scenes to simulate how fast Gods are, and how slow we are.
  • The film makers poked fun of Greece being the supposed origin of civilization, democracy, & their obsession with diplomacy with this scene:

Greek King: “Let us negotiate”

Hyperion: *Head Chop*

Greek King: “………………………….”

I strongly urge that you watch Immortals. If not for the comedic fodder, then to nourish your primitive affinity for combat. Or, in this case, Immortal Kombat.

I am @ironsheek. Enjoy the trailer:

Kim: The Brand of Celebrity

Hello, everyone! Hopefully everyone had a wonderful weekend, I probably got judged the entire length of mine, and I’m ok with that. We had so much fun, people and I. They were good judgements, though, I’m sure. Judgement gets a bad (w)rap, and it shouldn’t, because a judgement is a split-second impulse that the human brain must undergo to, well, keep you alive.

Last Thursday, I was named a writer/contributor at Technorati and my first article was published today…that should’ve gotten published on Friday…but I submitted as a draft, to drafts, and not to any editor in particular. Enjoy the article and pass it along, and feel free to leave comments here.

Oh, and before I leave this blog post, you can follow me on Twitter: @ironsheek

Ok, back to “Kim: The Brand of Celebrity”:

Article first published as Your Favorite Celebrity is a Commercial on Technorati.

A Time to Kill?

Me: What’s going on?

Person: Oh, nothing. Just killing time.

Me: You’re what?

Person: Killing time, I have nothing else to do right now.

Me: Is that even possible? What does that even  mean?

Person: What?

Me: Killing time.

Person: What do you mean? I’m just hanging out, you know, killing time.

Me: Right. Right, you mentioned that… I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that time is one of the only things you can’t kill.

Person: Come’on, man. It’s just a figure of speech.

Me: I understand, but why? It makes no sense, like when people use the word literally, figuratively. You see? We should question things, because only then, will we find answers. People who believe that they can kill time, should be arrested for even trying. The only feasible attempt at murdering time, would be by taking a hammer to a watch.

Person: I’m sorry that I even mentioned it.

Me: Don’t be. There’s just this, um, universal law… it states that time is immune to idiots who think that they they can, in fact, kill it. I’m just passing a message along.

Person: May I shoot the messenger?

Me: Now that is a practical figure of speech. Wait…

I am @ironsheek

Life Doesn’t Require You

Life can be your playground, if you understand that it’s a game. A game is something that you play, to win or to lose. You must be aware of the game and its set of rules if you are to play effectively. Either you play the game, or you may fall prey to the players that are playing the game. Cue “The Game” by Motorhead

Life can become your prison, if you do not have a plan for it. The plan does not have to be concrete, but you must actively seek out opportunity and execute a means by which to pursue it. If nothing becomes of that opportunity, another one will. Why? Because you’re playing the game. You are rewarded accordingly. Don’t waste any time, maximize it! Your life is simply a loan for a project. Guess what happens when you’re given a loan? You’re expected, well, you’re not immortal, you have to pay it back whether you’ve effectively engaged fruitful endeavor or not.

When life reclaims what it has allowed you to borrow, how far along will your project be? What will it look like? Will it be vivid or appealing? Did you use every SimoleonOh yea, a Sim‘s Reference– on your project, while others could’ve used a hand? Did you fixate on everyone else’s project while your project gathered dust? You must strike a clever balance.

Life doesn’t require you, but you were given it anyhow, and that is why it is precious. I am @ironsheek

Halloween: The Feast of Pomona

We have a grand celebration coming up, Halloween! Halloween has a place deep within the recesses of World History, and a fascinating history it is. It has been linked to the ancient Roman Feast of Pomona, but it is more widely known as the descendent of Samhain (Sah-ween). Samhain is an Ancient Celtic celebration venerating the dead & disembodied

And then Christians came along, and did their “I don’t like this so I’ll just make it holy, hijack it, purify it, and deem you heathen” thing in the 7th and 9th century A.D. But hey, it was with love…? Oh, and the Irish had awesome sounding priests named Druids, who were highly intelligent and sound like that planet from Space Balls. Druidia. Well, that was my intro. Did you notice the hypertext links? Indeed. Click on those fuckers, they are to inform you.

By the way, sorry for the visual lack. I couldn’t find any picture regarding Samhain that didn’t look completely sinister.

Nevermind, Jack the Pumpkin….lan-ter-n will do?

Now, back to Halloween. Ahem.

Halloween season brings back an air of nostalgia. It is a reminder of youth, it harkens back to a time of perceived innocence (save Omen babies), and an unwelcome introduction to the cold. A cold that also invites the wind, who turned your invitation down in the summer when you could’ve actually used it.

I can’t forget the exorbitant amount of candy available during Halloween, one calender year‘s worth! We used to trick-or-treat for candy we wouldn’t eat all year, all night! Some houses would even give out real food, like hot dogs. Yes, hot dogs are food, food made from the remains of other foods. Franken-Food! I liked those residents, because they were the only houses who weren’t introducing us children to Type II Diabetes. A lot of kids, today, are this kid:

I have fond childhood memories of Halloween, but some things about a child’s Halloween have changed. Today? The parents are omnipresent, the kids are fat, their television shows are terrible which has little to do with Halloween, and they’re fat if I didn’t mention that already.

They even have a curfew to adhere to, they have approximately 36 minutes to do their trick-or-treat bidding! That would be due, in part, to heightened paranoia. Violence and burglary are the catalysts, you know, because violence is relatively new, and has only been a thing for the last two decades or so… give or take a forever.

The paranoia is denying the new kids an opportunity to enjoy what we were able to enjoy. Much like the casual police car ride home your fathers and uncles would tell you about. Eventually, they’ll just have to shoot candy at kids with arena guns to avoid any misunderstanding. You know, the guns that shoot high-powered T-Shirts at people. Ah…Parents just don’t understand.

Right on, Will Smith. That would explain your Clean Rap.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the upcoming cold weather. Maybe I did. No matter. In the impending winter months, Halloween season can be seen as a last-ditch hail mary pass toward the end zone, where single people in ridiculous uniform can search for wintertime Rental-Counterparts. Some refer to this period in time as Cuddle Season, I don’t, but I’ll abbreviate. It is a time where people feign interest in another warm-blooded mammal, so that they stay warm and mildly entertained during Winter’s social remission. The whoring resumes in the Spring, but a Groundhog must give mankind the ok to proceed with the new season. His sun-dial keeps excellent time, and someone created this horrible folklore.

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My apologies, Mr. Hog. The human race, well, they figured you would make a fine timepiece. I'm embarrassed every year, you're humiliated every year, can we call it even?...There isn't much to say.

Halloween has evolved. In some places, or many, I’m reaching for objectivity here, it morphed into some sort of patriarchal #1UP-manship. Halloween is a shadow whor-, excuse me, sexually repressed woman’s opportunity to express themselves…with little to nothing on…while using the word “Slutty” as a prefix to the costume that they’re wearing. “I would rather be naked most of the time” will masquerade under the guise of “Slutty.” The word is used as a prefix to any and every costume a woman can conceive of. For men, their costumes are a pop-culture reference that hopefully someone else gets. They perceive their costume to be a failure if nobody does.  I saw a guy dress up as a Facebook Page, and he was a hit! He probably gained 13 Facebook friends by the next morning. Another impressive costume was a woman dressed up as a lamp shade and an end table, the One Night Stand.

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE! It was brilliant!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the One Night Stand!

Costumes aren’t quite the same, and you will notice that a majority of the female population shop at what I like to call The Halloween Whore Emporium, but it is very entertaining to watch. Like the Legging Clan, who dress like Ninja Turtle Foot Soldiers.

Bumble Bee? No. -A Slutty Bumble Bee

A barrel? Nope. A Slutty barrel? The hell is that all about?

A buddy’s girlfriend told him, and I quote, “I’m going to be a Slutty Ghost for Halloween. I don’t know how its even possible, but I’m going to try.” That is alarming.

Whore-wear? I had no idea that this is what Halloween had been missing for centuries. Botox is to Hollywood, what ubiquity and scantily clad have become of Halloween. An odd injection, indeed. I enjoy Halloween, but what an interesting rendition this is. I can’t wait to partake!

When people ask me what I’m going to be for Halloween, I tell them: “The man who saved his money”, and you are going to love my costume! I am @Ironsheek, and I approve this message! HAPPY SAMHAIN!

Please subscribe, RT, share, and most importantly, disseminate.

The Legging: Nonchalant Nudity

Leggings, they’re everywhere. Neoprene reigns supreme in contemporary American culture. Leggings are considered Outerwear, Indoor-Track-Meet-Wear, Casual Wear, and least importantly, Underwear. At what point did they become Overwear? I haven’t the slightest, and neither do they. The point is, with the legging, there is an extremely minuscule layer separating the box from the Earth’s atmosphere. Leggings are not pants, they are sleeves….for your legs…so that your legs can be complemented by an actual layer of clothing.

Ok, without the matching shoes, I would've asked if she were ok because it looks like she fell from the back of some dude's motorcycle

Leggings are the convergence of naked and mainstream. I don’t mind, I love the female form,  but I do find nonchalant nudity to be rather hilarious. Move over, Blue Jean. Get the hell out-of-the-way, fashion. This is the dawn of a new era, when style is the accidental result of throwing your wardrobe into a blender. Although they leave their homes wearing monochrome Saran-Wrap, entering the public sphere while wearing a Naughty Wetsuit, is an act of sheer courage!

I call her, "The i-Pod Shuffle" The effortless "Nintendo Mii" approach to wardrobe randomization.

Convenience is where it’s at. Women wake up in the morning, and take a NINTENDO Mii approach to dressing themselves. They cycle through accessories, scroll down, highlight “torso”, select some sort of fabric to wrap around themselves, carefully select a boot that matches nothing from the knee up, and they call it an outfit. They would argue that they’re being thrifty. Yea, OK.

“I’m going out to the bars tonight” -In leggings

“I’m staying in, I need to study for the bar exam” -In leggings

“I’m going to Zumba, and then to the bestie’s house” -In leggings, but the colors might change

“I’m going to pay my respects” -In leggings

“I’m headed to class” -In Leggings, and some Navajo Garb

The possibilities are endless hilarious

Leggings have become the center of a Faux Pas Solar System, and the other components of an outfit orbit them inconsequentially. Are leggings a problem? Not really. They’re a versatile pseudo-fashionista’s scapegoat, and they are absolute entertainment. Ladies, give SPAWN his pants back. Kidding, you’re alright with me… but you should embrace style, and wear clothing sometimes.

I am @ironsheek, and I approve this message.

Not so fast, Qwikster.

Netflix canceled their Qwikster idea under two premises:

1. Qwikster should be the name of a chocolate milk, and sold to
Nestle. Who is probably also owned by Rupert Murdoch. He owns everything. It’s not an empire, but more like a Kingdom. Ok, same thing. Both may include the intimidation or murder of serfs who speak too freely. I digress. Back to Qwikster.

2. For two additional dollars, yes, eight quarters, nobody wants to receive mail with a DVD inside anymore. AOL 3.0’s outmoded business model? To hell with that. We’re like digital Salmon, we thrive in the stream…

Well, except for the 920 Eisenhower-era people who still read physical newspapers… with fine-print font. Old person + Poor Vision should not equal micro-font. Blogs would be a perfect match for the advanced of age, though the computer could become a new opposition.

The article:
http://pulse.me/s/26vh9

I’m @Ironsheek, tune in.

Collegiate Refugee

College made perfect sense during, say, Vietnam. Where everyone who wasn’t a middle-to-upper class WASP or a member of Jack & Jill got drafted. I’m pretty sure most of them preferred a degree over a Purple Heart for high-fiving a mortar. Today? The college conundrum has evolved.

People beyond it wish that they were within it, and people within it wish that they were beyond it. Some degrees have led to wonderful opportunities, while others have convinced the Tony Robbins’ of the world to create their own.

Bill Gates, didn’t finish. Mark Zuckerberg, didn’t finish. Mary Kay, Richard (who looks like Sabertooth) Branson, did not finish. Seriously, Branson looks exactly like Sabertooth —

Richard Branson is, in fact, Sabertooth

Some of the wealthiest mammals on planet earth needed college to convince them that they did not need college. However, they were already supremely talented so maybe they, could convince you, that you should attend college. You have yet to discover you, though they (Moguls) are well acquainted with themselves. You, on the other hand, may need college if, for no other reason, than to dual-wield the collegiate carbines of assumed credibility. Yes, it is a superficial I matter. That, my friend, was a Halo reference… and I do believe that I nailed it.

College, to the mega-wealthy-brainy-charismatic-elite, was an obstacle. Then again, they already had a vision. Their imaginative world was far more vivid than that of a pale institution, they had advanced ambition, and a professor cannot teach that. Especially a professor who could fail their own test if it were given to them…with a study guide…multiple choice.

If you have a vision, stop at nothing to see that it reaches fruition. If study at a university can serve as a catalyst, then I recommend that you give the university their front-end money although their student-loan goons will slowly collect the back-end for a decade. Yes, I liken student loan lenders to Mobsters who don’t dress like out-of-shape break dancers or Rick Pitinos’, I would imagine that they dress more like Dilbert. Google him. He’s cool.

This is what a non-descript Salli Mae "Thank you sir, one second sir, thank you for that sir"" voice looks like

Over the cost of a lifetime, it is a smaller price to pay than assuming the life of someone Spiderman would’ve webbed up in an alley. Thug life.

For the cliché monger who says “School isn’t for me”, that is ridiculous. How about, life isn’t for you. You can’t get an education in your exact shoe size.

P.S. You can educate yourself for free if you’d like, or almost free. Or half-priced, check out Half-Price Bookstore.

Oh, and I typed this blog from my phone…. shut up.

I’m @Ironsheek

Idiot Idiom: It Goes Without Saying

It goes without saying“, doesn’t. Clearly. Especially when the person is, in fact, saying it. Yes, I said it. Who needs that phrase? I don’t, its evil. Do you know what I need? Thanksgiving! What a wonderful tradition Thanksgiving is, but It goes without saying for no other reason than to just say it? That is a problem. It knows it, the user doesn’t, and the planet is a vortex of irrational rationale because of it.

Definition – It Goes Without Saying: Something that should be generally accepted or understood.
Really? Something that should be generally accepted or understood? Ironic. What irony? Don’t worry, I’ll spoon-feed you the chicken noodle soup of truth. I’m kidding, ok, I’m not.

If “It goes without saying” should be generally accepted or understood, it should ACTUALLY go without saying! Thus, eliminating the idiotic idiom. Ideal, right? Am I angry? No, I’m not angry. CAPS LOCK is angry, and visually unappealing, and Samuel L. Jackson’s natural speaking voice. I digress.

What do we have here? Legions of people using “It goes without saying” without recognizing that, by definition, there is no need to say it. The only thing that goes without saying is something that you were gracious enough not to say.

Well, that was a fun! I’m new to WordPress by way of an extremely active Social Network and pretending to blog on Blogger. I hope that you enjoyed it. Subscribe if you’d like, tell your loved and loathed ones, and follow the mighty @Ironsheek on Twitter.

Love,

@Ironsheek

 

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