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Game of Groans

The last episode of Game of Thrones was spectacular, in a way… It was truly an episode that took full advantage of the fact that NONE-OF-THAT sort of violence took place in at least a few episodes preceding it. They lulled us to sleep, and then, GOTCHA BITCH!

Rob, his pregnant wife, unborn baby Ned incarnate ll, Mama Stark (Princess Fiona, if it were Shrek 7), and Rob’s entire army of Small Soldiers fell to an incredibly gratuitous stabbing medley executed by the Quasi-Commando Elite… but not before Lord Ugly Daughters talked a wealth of shit about Rob’s girl as she dawned a cloak that said “I’m not pregnant, obviously, because I’m covering an obvious pregnancy.”

Did I mention that Ned Stark is SO dead, that an unborn baby Ned Stark was killed before he could even enter the Kingdom!?! I wouldn’t be surprised if Ned got killed one more good time at the pearly gates. He is not to exist in this realm in any way, shape, or form apparently. NED AND NED DEAD.

–Back to the macabre massacre–

Let me say, nooobody attempted to block or parry a single blade, they received every one of them to the gut or gullet. A lot of story died with that episode. Why? Well, because a new majority of characters strong enough to carry the series are children, but those children aren’t realistically strong enough to survive Westeros in its current state. Its like a bizarro Peter Pan. The jury’s out on Bran Stark though, he stumbled onto some Jean-Grey mind-control wizardry when he shut that human pokémon Hodor the fuck up…

The story centered around one family, the Stark family, & now the story is decentralized because the entire Stark family is DEAD… with the exception of the muppet babies… and Jon Snow… who is too busy performing at the Winter X Games with Ygritte, Sheamus of the WWE, and Captain Jack Sparrow the Bird Whisperer. With Rob gone, so is the plot payoff of his ascension to power and exacting his revenge on Theon Greyjoy… et al. And before I forget, yes… I assume Theon was completely killed by Evil John Mayer? If not, he should be, because we no longer sympathize with his character & Rob’s death was his. They took a beautiful gamble, you know, eradicating everyone that you care about to leave everyone that you don’t particularly care about… I’m excited to see how it turns out in 7 years when 59lb Aria Stark and Bran “Professor Charles Xavier” Stark are strong and experienced enough to become a formidable force in Westeros. No, I haven’t read the books you weirdos. Let this story be its own story, BASED on a set of other stories written by the guy who wrote this story. Its an adaptation, not a transcription, so the people that like when books to be transcribed from book to screen verbatim may as well watch their books. Let the creators create.

Hopefully they didn’t cut the legs out from under this wonderful series, I’m looking forward to the continued surprises. Refreshing television. I’m @TravantiQuinn.

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Halloween: The Feast of Pomona

We have a grand celebration coming up, Halloween! Halloween has a place deep within the recesses of World History, and a fascinating history it is. It has been linked to the ancient Roman Feast of Pomona, but it is more widely known as the descendent of Samhain (Sah-ween). Samhain is an Ancient Celtic celebration venerating the dead & disembodied

And then Christians came along, and did their “I don’t like this so I’ll just make it holy, hijack it, purify it, and deem you heathen” thing in the 7th and 9th century A.D. But hey, it was with love…? Oh, and the Irish had awesome sounding priests named Druids, who were highly intelligent and sound like that planet from Space Balls. Druidia. Well, that was my intro. Did you notice the hypertext links? Indeed. Click on those fuckers, they are to inform you.

By the way, sorry for the visual lack. I couldn’t find any picture regarding Samhain that didn’t look completely sinister.

Nevermind, Jack the Pumpkin….lan-ter-n will do?

Now, back to Halloween. Ahem.

Halloween season brings back an air of nostalgia. It is a reminder of youth, it harkens back to a time of perceived innocence (save Omen babies), and an unwelcome introduction to the cold. A cold that also invites the wind, who turned your invitation down in the summer when you could’ve actually used it.

I can’t forget the exorbitant amount of candy available during Halloween, one calender year‘s worth! We used to trick-or-treat for candy we wouldn’t eat all year, all night! Some houses would even give out real food, like hot dogs. Yes, hot dogs are food, food made from the remains of other foods. Franken-Food! I liked those residents, because they were the only houses who weren’t introducing us children to Type II Diabetes. A lot of kids, today, are this kid:

I have fond childhood memories of Halloween, but some things about a child’s Halloween have changed. Today? The parents are omnipresent, the kids are fat, their television shows are terrible which has little to do with Halloween, and they’re fat if I didn’t mention that already.

They even have a curfew to adhere to, they have approximately 36 minutes to do their trick-or-treat bidding! That would be due, in part, to heightened paranoia. Violence and burglary are the catalysts, you know, because violence is relatively new, and has only been a thing for the last two decades or so… give or take a forever.

The paranoia is denying the new kids an opportunity to enjoy what we were able to enjoy. Much like the casual police car ride home your fathers and uncles would tell you about. Eventually, they’ll just have to shoot candy at kids with arena guns to avoid any misunderstanding. You know, the guns that shoot high-powered T-Shirts at people. Ah…Parents just don’t understand.

Right on, Will Smith. That would explain your Clean Rap.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the upcoming cold weather. Maybe I did. No matter. In the impending winter months, Halloween season can be seen as a last-ditch hail mary pass toward the end zone, where single people in ridiculous uniform can search for wintertime Rental-Counterparts. Some refer to this period in time as Cuddle Season, I don’t, but I’ll abbreviate. It is a time where people feign interest in another warm-blooded mammal, so that they stay warm and mildly entertained during Winter’s social remission. The whoring resumes in the Spring, but a Groundhog must give mankind the ok to proceed with the new season. His sun-dial keeps excellent time, and someone created this horrible folklore.

https://i1.wp.com/cdn.babble.com/family-style/files/2011/02/ddhj4m8r_137dp88jwcx_b.jpg

My apologies, Mr. Hog. The human race, well, they figured you would make a fine timepiece. I'm embarrassed every year, you're humiliated every year, can we call it even?...There isn't much to say.

Halloween has evolved. In some places, or many, I’m reaching for objectivity here, it morphed into some sort of patriarchal #1UP-manship. Halloween is a shadow whor-, excuse me, sexually repressed woman’s opportunity to express themselves…with little to nothing on…while using the word “Slutty” as a prefix to the costume that they’re wearing. “I would rather be naked most of the time” will masquerade under the guise of “Slutty.” The word is used as a prefix to any and every costume a woman can conceive of. For men, their costumes are a pop-culture reference that hopefully someone else gets. They perceive their costume to be a failure if nobody does.  I saw a guy dress up as a Facebook Page, and he was a hit! He probably gained 13 Facebook friends by the next morning. Another impressive costume was a woman dressed up as a lamp shade and an end table, the One Night Stand.

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE! It was brilliant!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the One Night Stand!

Costumes aren’t quite the same, and you will notice that a majority of the female population shop at what I like to call The Halloween Whore Emporium, but it is very entertaining to watch. Like the Legging Clan, who dress like Ninja Turtle Foot Soldiers.

Bumble Bee? No. -A Slutty Bumble Bee

A barrel? Nope. A Slutty barrel? The hell is that all about?

A buddy’s girlfriend told him, and I quote, “I’m going to be a Slutty Ghost for Halloween. I don’t know how its even possible, but I’m going to try.” That is alarming.

Whore-wear? I had no idea that this is what Halloween had been missing for centuries. Botox is to Hollywood, what ubiquity and scantily clad have become of Halloween. An odd injection, indeed. I enjoy Halloween, but what an interesting rendition this is. I can’t wait to partake!

When people ask me what I’m going to be for Halloween, I tell them: “The man who saved his money”, and you are going to love my costume! I am @Ironsheek, and I approve this message! HAPPY SAMHAIN!

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Idiot Idiom: It Goes Without Saying

It goes without saying“, doesn’t. Clearly. Especially when the person is, in fact, saying it. Yes, I said it. Who needs that phrase? I don’t, its evil. Do you know what I need? Thanksgiving! What a wonderful tradition Thanksgiving is, but It goes without saying for no other reason than to just say it? That is a problem. It knows it, the user doesn’t, and the planet is a vortex of irrational rationale because of it.

Definition – It Goes Without Saying: Something that should be generally accepted or understood.
Really? Something that should be generally accepted or understood? Ironic. What irony? Don’t worry, I’ll spoon-feed you the chicken noodle soup of truth. I’m kidding, ok, I’m not.

If “It goes without saying” should be generally accepted or understood, it should ACTUALLY go without saying! Thus, eliminating the idiotic idiom. Ideal, right? Am I angry? No, I’m not angry. CAPS LOCK is angry, and visually unappealing, and Samuel L. Jackson’s natural speaking voice. I digress.

What do we have here? Legions of people using “It goes without saying” without recognizing that, by definition, there is no need to say it. The only thing that goes without saying is something that you were gracious enough not to say.

Well, that was a fun! I’m new to WordPress by way of an extremely active Social Network and pretending to blog on Blogger. I hope that you enjoyed it. Subscribe if you’d like, tell your loved and loathed ones, and follow the mighty @Ironsheek on Twitter.

Love,

@Ironsheek

 

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