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Halloween: The Feast of Pomona

We have a grand celebration coming up, Halloween! Halloween has a place deep within the recesses of World History, and a fascinating history it is. It has been linked to the ancient Roman Feast of Pomona, but it is more widely known as the descendent of Samhain (Sah-ween). Samhain is an Ancient Celtic celebration venerating the dead & disembodied

And then Christians came along, and did their “I don’t like this so I’ll just make it holy, hijack it, purify it, and deem you heathen” thing in the 7th and 9th century A.D. But hey, it was with love…? Oh, and the Irish had awesome sounding priests named Druids, who were highly intelligent and sound like that planet from Space Balls. Druidia. Well, that was my intro. Did you notice the hypertext links? Indeed. Click on those fuckers, they are to inform you.

By the way, sorry for the visual lack. I couldn’t find any picture regarding Samhain that didn’t look completely sinister.

Nevermind, Jack the Pumpkin….lan-ter-n will do?

Now, back to Halloween. Ahem.

Halloween season brings back an air of nostalgia. It is a reminder of youth, it harkens back to a time of perceived innocence (save Omen babies), and an unwelcome introduction to the cold. A cold that also invites the wind, who turned your invitation down in the summer when you could’ve actually used it.

I can’t forget the exorbitant amount of candy available during Halloween, one calender year‘s worth! We used to trick-or-treat for candy we wouldn’t eat all year, all night! Some houses would even give out real food, like hot dogs. Yes, hot dogs are food, food made from the remains of other foods. Franken-Food! I liked those residents, because they were the only houses who weren’t introducing us children to Type II Diabetes. A lot of kids, today, are this kid:

I have fond childhood memories of Halloween, but some things about a child’s Halloween have changed. Today? The parents are omnipresent, the kids are fat, their television shows are terrible which has little to do with Halloween, and they’re fat if I didn’t mention that already.

They even have a curfew to adhere to, they have approximately 36 minutes to do their trick-or-treat bidding! That would be due, in part, to heightened paranoia. Violence and burglary are the catalysts, you know, because violence is relatively new, and has only been a thing for the last two decades or so… give or take a forever.

The paranoia is denying the new kids an opportunity to enjoy what we were able to enjoy. Much like the casual police car ride home your fathers and uncles would tell you about. Eventually, they’ll just have to shoot candy at kids with arena guns to avoid any misunderstanding. You know, the guns that shoot high-powered T-Shirts at people. Ah…Parents just don’t understand.

Right on, Will Smith. That would explain your Clean Rap.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the upcoming cold weather. Maybe I did. No matter. In the impending winter months, Halloween season can be seen as a last-ditch hail mary pass toward the end zone, where single people in ridiculous uniform can search for wintertime Rental-Counterparts. Some refer to this period in time as Cuddle Season, I don’t, but I’ll abbreviate. It is a time where people feign interest in another warm-blooded mammal, so that they stay warm and mildly entertained during Winter’s social remission. The whoring resumes in the Spring, but a Groundhog must give mankind the ok to proceed with the new season. His sun-dial keeps excellent time, and someone created this horrible folklore.

https://i1.wp.com/cdn.babble.com/family-style/files/2011/02/ddhj4m8r_137dp88jwcx_b.jpg

My apologies, Mr. Hog. The human race, well, they figured you would make a fine timepiece. I'm embarrassed every year, you're humiliated every year, can we call it even?...There isn't much to say.

Halloween has evolved. In some places, or many, I’m reaching for objectivity here, it morphed into some sort of patriarchal #1UP-manship. Halloween is a shadow whor-, excuse me, sexually repressed woman’s opportunity to express themselves…with little to nothing on…while using the word “Slutty” as a prefix to the costume that they’re wearing. “I would rather be naked most of the time” will masquerade under the guise of “Slutty.” The word is used as a prefix to any and every costume a woman can conceive of. For men, their costumes are a pop-culture reference that hopefully someone else gets. They perceive their costume to be a failure if nobody does.  I saw a guy dress up as a Facebook Page, and he was a hit! He probably gained 13 Facebook friends by the next morning. Another impressive costume was a woman dressed up as a lamp shade and an end table, the One Night Stand.

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE! It was brilliant!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the One Night Stand!

Costumes aren’t quite the same, and you will notice that a majority of the female population shop at what I like to call The Halloween Whore Emporium, but it is very entertaining to watch. Like the Legging Clan, who dress like Ninja Turtle Foot Soldiers.

Bumble Bee? No. -A Slutty Bumble Bee

A barrel? Nope. A Slutty barrel? The hell is that all about?

A buddy’s girlfriend told him, and I quote, “I’m going to be a Slutty Ghost for Halloween. I don’t know how its even possible, but I’m going to try.” That is alarming.

Whore-wear? I had no idea that this is what Halloween had been missing for centuries. Botox is to Hollywood, what ubiquity and scantily clad have become of Halloween. An odd injection, indeed. I enjoy Halloween, but what an interesting rendition this is. I can’t wait to partake!

When people ask me what I’m going to be for Halloween, I tell them: “The man who saved his money”, and you are going to love my costume! I am @Ironsheek, and I approve this message! HAPPY SAMHAIN!

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The Legging: Nonchalant Nudity

Leggings, they’re everywhere. Neoprene reigns supreme in contemporary American culture. Leggings are considered Outerwear, Indoor-Track-Meet-Wear, Casual Wear, and least importantly, Underwear. At what point did they become Overwear? I haven’t the slightest, and neither do they. The point is, with the legging, there is an extremely minuscule layer separating the box from the Earth’s atmosphere. Leggings are not pants, they are sleeves….for your legs…so that your legs can be complemented by an actual layer of clothing.

Ok, without the matching shoes, I would've asked if she were ok because it looks like she fell from the back of some dude's motorcycle

Leggings are the convergence of naked and mainstream. I don’t mind, I love the female form,  but I do find nonchalant nudity to be rather hilarious. Move over, Blue Jean. Get the hell out-of-the-way, fashion. This is the dawn of a new era, when style is the accidental result of throwing your wardrobe into a blender. Although they leave their homes wearing monochrome Saran-Wrap, entering the public sphere while wearing a Naughty Wetsuit, is an act of sheer courage!

I call her, "The i-Pod Shuffle" The effortless "Nintendo Mii" approach to wardrobe randomization.

Convenience is where it’s at. Women wake up in the morning, and take a NINTENDO Mii approach to dressing themselves. They cycle through accessories, scroll down, highlight “torso”, select some sort of fabric to wrap around themselves, carefully select a boot that matches nothing from the knee up, and they call it an outfit. They would argue that they’re being thrifty. Yea, OK.

“I’m going out to the bars tonight” -In leggings

“I’m staying in, I need to study for the bar exam” -In leggings

“I’m going to Zumba, and then to the bestie’s house” -In leggings, but the colors might change

“I’m going to pay my respects” -In leggings

“I’m headed to class” -In Leggings, and some Navajo Garb

The possibilities are endless hilarious

Leggings have become the center of a Faux Pas Solar System, and the other components of an outfit orbit them inconsequentially. Are leggings a problem? Not really. They’re a versatile pseudo-fashionista’s scapegoat, and they are absolute entertainment. Ladies, give SPAWN his pants back. Kidding, you’re alright with me… but you should embrace style, and wear clothing sometimes.

I am @ironsheek, and I approve this message.

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